The Power of Words

I opened my word processing program today with no plan other than the urge to write. I have so many thoughts rattling around my head, but I’ve never been very good at expressing them verbally. Everything seems to get jumbled into a weird word soup. So, I’ll use my keyboard instead.

Words have always been good to me. As a child I spent many hours in my bedroom scribbling away in my diary, or I’d have my nose in a book, imagining my favourite adventures in the Chronicles of Narnia. I adored those stories but unfortunately, I never quite made it to Narnia through the back of my wardrobe!

As I grew older, I forgot about writing as I tried to make my way through the stresses of life. Sometimes I’d feel sad that I didn’t have a ‘thing’ that I was good at and if I’m honest I was a bit lost. As I move through my thirties I seem to have cycled back round to the beginning and my love for writing. At least I feel more like myself again.

This year I took part in a creative writing course on the open learning site http://www.futurelearn.com and was stunned by some of the feedback I got from other learners. I had compliments on my short stories, and someone even told me that I’d brought a tear to their eye. For someone that has felt invisible for a long time I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. Words had given me power.

They’ve also connected me to other people through my blog and Instagram page. I love sharing my experiences with you and also reading your thoughts in return. If you ever struggle to express yourself then I highly recommend you give writing a go. It can be anything you like – a diary, poem, story or blog post. Getting it all down and out of your head can be a wonderful thing.

I do miss being that carefree kid in my bedroom, but a part of her is still with me; itching to set out on a new adventure. Words will always be a big part of that.

“Some journeys take us far from home. Some adventures lead us to our destiny.” C.S. Lewis

Celebrities that share your anxiety struggles

Anxiety is a difficult condition to live with, it can take over your life and trick you into believing that things will never get better. You might even feel like anxiety will prevent you from becoming successful. But it doesn’t have to! There are many people in the public eye that have found success while dealing with their own personal anxieties. I thought it would be interesting to take a look at a few of them here.

Fearne Cotton

Fearne has opened up over the past couple of years on her brilliant ‘Happy Place’ podcast about her battles with anxiety, panic attacks and an eating disorder. She found that things improved for her when she took a step back from her busy lifestyle and focused more on self-care and a better work-life balance.

Adele

She’s a successful singer-songwriter and has won five Grammy awards, but she also suffers with panic attacks and stage fright. Yet she has still managed to perform confidently to huge live audiences! She told Rolling Stone that she deals with it by telling jokes and talking a lot to keep the mood light.

Michael Phelps

Well-known for his competitive swimming. He’s the most successful Olympian of all time; winning 28 medals! But he’s also lived with anxiety, depression and substance issues. Like many of us he’s been finding the new COVID world difficult, and in a recent interview with ESPN said: “The pandemic has been one of the scariest times I’ve been through. I’m thankful that my family and I are safe and healthy. I’m grateful we don’t have to worry about paying bills or putting food on the table, like so many other folks right now. But still, I’m struggling.” He encourages people to reach out to others and talk about how they are feeling.

Harrison Ford

Would it surprise you to discover that the superstar Hollywood actor suffers from glossophobia – the fear of public speaking. When he won the American Film Institute’s Life Achievement Award, he told the Los Angeles Times that he felt grateful, but “the greatest fear in my life is public speaking.” His acceptance speech can be viewed on Youtube; you’ll notice he is fighting to stay calm and control his breathing. He’s notorious for being a bit grumpy, but I think this shows him in a different light.

Kristen Stewart

Most famous for playing Bella Swan in Twilight, Kristen has experienced OCD, panic attacks and found it difficult adjusting to fame. I remember watching her interviews and thinking how uncomfortable she looked. In an interview with Elle she said: “’I went through so much stress.’ The pressure of being a young star contributed to serious physical anxiety: ‘I had panic attacks. I used to puke every day.’ She has learned to cope better as she got older and went on to say, “I had gone through so much that did not kill me… sorry, I know that sounds dramatic … I realise the anxiety just ran out. I didn’t have the energy to do that anymore.”

I found it fascinating that these are successful people, vastly different from each other and in how they’ve dealt with their anxieties, but they’ve all gone through similar experiences. Just like you and me. It just shows that if you’ve got a dream or a goal in life, anxiety doesn’t need to stand in your way.

Why changing your routine is a good thing

I’ve never been good at leaving my comfort zone. I enjoy routine and the feeling of comfort that brings, because that means I’m in control, right?

But then life happens and I can’t control it at all, it just plays out. Some of my worst anxiety occurs when I feel a loss of control, and if I can’t escape to a place of safety I panic. So, to counter these feelings I’ve decided to try and leave my comfort zone every now and again!

I’ve had loads of fun, interesting experiences when I’ve broken my routine. Be that interacting with new people or visiting new places – new experiences enrich your life. And it hasn’t been without anxiety, but that’s a part of recovery which is worth the effort. Anxiety may never leave completely, but that does not mean you can’t still lead a fulfilling life.

So why not make a small change and appreciate what happens next? Think of one thing you’d like to do today and give it a go!

One of my interests is photography, and usually I only take photographs when I’m at home in my garden. So the next time I go for a walk I’m going to take my camera with me, it’ll be difficult to take pictures with other people around, but I’ll do it and see what happens.

I’ll sign off with some pictures I took in my garden.

The Desert

I thought I was alone in this desert,

In fact, I’ve never felt so lonely.

The sky is beautiful, unbroken and blue,

But not as blue as me.

The scorpion at my feet walks by, oblivious.

I’m not alone because you are over there,

I wave at you frantically,

The sand swirls around me,

Into the shape of a strange person,

A mirage you can only half see.

Why must the words stick in my throat.

The heat, the fear,

It dashes any chance of rescue.

If I must I’ll build a temple of stone,

And then perhaps you’ll come.

I step into a riverbed that long since ran dry,

I lay the foundations stone by stone,

My hands are throbbing and crack,

Taunting me to turn back.

But I know I must carry on.

Now my foundations are good and strong,

Startled, I look on,

As someone I’ve never met approaches.

I look at them and smile,

Smiling back they say, I thought I was alone in this desert.

Speak – a poem about my silence

Talking is hard when you are silent.

In a room of crowded voices,

Words ricochet around the room.

Too fast for your mind to consume.

A jumble of sentences,

Flow from one person to another,

And end abruptly at your ears,

Stoking the fire of your fears.

It’s an easy song to sing they say,

But I don’t know the words.

Maybe I should learn one day,

Or remain forever unheard.

Diary of an Anxious Mind

I started my blog to try and offer some advice and positivity. When I feel low and I’m struggling with my anxiety, I haven’t always written about it because I thought it wouldn’t be helpful. But today I saw a post on Instagram talking about ‘toxic positivity.’ When someone is asking for help and are told “just think positive,” it’s no use as it just invalidates how they are feeling. Sometimes you need to feel low to really appreciate the good times.

It spurred me on to start a series of diary-style blog posts about the realities of living with an anxiety disorder, and if it’s not always positive, then that’s okay, because life isn’t always positive. Sometimes it’s helpful to know that you’re not the only one having these experiences.

Rainy days

I woke up today and it was raining, just like yesterday and the day before that. Even now seven hours later, you guessed it, still raining. I feel like the water has seeped into my brain and is weighing it down.

I’ve been at home for three months now and have only gone out a handful of times for a walk. I’m living with a family member that is at a very high risk of complications if they catch Covid-19, so we’re doing our best not to take any chances. I like to keep busy, so it wasn’t too much of a big deal at first, but after month or two I started to feel restless. I was doing the weeding on the drive one sunny afternoon and felt like casting my trowel aside and running off down the road, but I managed to restrain myself!

Now almost three months in and I’m itching to get back out there and move forward with my recovery. I’ve been alone for such a long time and it seems odd, but I haven’t always even felt lonely; I do now. It’s all well and good being an introvert and enjoying your own company, but sometimes you need support. You need someone to care. I have a fabulous friend that I know I can count on, but she’s my only friend. I haven’t had anyone else texting me to ask if I’m OK.

I will always enjoy having my own space, but a major priority for me needs to be connecting with other people. As with anything I guess I need to start out small. It’d be nice if this virus could do one, as well.

I Lost Myself

A few months ago a song called She Used To Be Mine by Sara Bareilles made me stop in my tracks. It’s about life not turning out in the way you wanted and feeling like you’ve lost a part of yourself. I can’t think of a song that has ever hit me like that before and after listening to it I immediately burst into tears.

I thought back to my final year of high school; (16 years ago.. eek!) I was excited about leaving and what the future held, “we can start living and be free to do whatever we want,” I laughed excitedly to my friends. But unfortunately due to my social anxiety disorder and mental health struggles it didn’t really work out like that for me. I went to university and dropped out after 3 months, struggled to hold down a string of basic jobs and ended my long term relationship two years ago after he cheated on me. My relationship was a big part of my life and after it ended I felt lost, as I realised just how much focus I’d put on him rather than myself. (I’ll write a post about why neglecting yourself in a relationship is a bad idea soon).

For the last two years I’ve been slowly rebuilding myself, having therapy and thinking about exactly what I want from my life. I’m not quite there yet but I believe I’m on the right track. Sometimes I feel a bit sad for the naive young girl I was, whose soul was a lot lighter and more optimistic, but the truth is with age comes wisdom. Although I haven’t achieved everything I wanted, I’m still proud of myself for carrying on and growing so much as a person.

The song really inspired me so I decided to write a poem.

Finding Her Feet

The funny girl with the vivid red hair,

Lost herself as the years passed and the people fell.

She reached the end of her path,

And tumbled across the ground grazing her knees,

Watching as the others kept walking.

Her hair is still red but it’s faded now,

And she carries on smiling but without the vivre.

She might have a plan but can’t see the wood for the trees,

But that’s OK because now she’s found her feet.

The red transforms into chestnut brown,

Her outer layers crack and fall into jagged pieces,

She exits the thicket and boldly steps into the breeze,

The woman she is can now simply be.

You are important to me. Poem for Mental Health Awareness Week 2020.

You are important to me.

Though you might not feel it,

When time ticks by without you,

And you spend your days alone.

But still, I want you to know.

You are important to me.

When tears fall onto your pillow,

And your soul feels scared inside,

Others share your struggles,

So there’s no need to hide.

You are important to us.

Though your voice seems so quiet,

And the world is screaming loud,

When you shakily take your first step.

You’re never alone in our crowd.

Social Anxiety is frustrating, but change is possible.

Social anxiety disorder has been an extremely unwelcome companion throughout my life. From the age of 13 to now in my 30s – the feeling of dread has been ticking over in my mind.

It’s sad and frustrating to think back over the many career and educational opportunities that I missed out on. The truth is I couldn’t cope with the intensity of my anxiety. In one of the few office jobs that I held down for a few months, I’d spend my time at work feeling unbearably tense. Being in an environment surrounded by people overwhelmed me. I’d feel a crashing wave of relief as I walked out of the door at the end of each day, only to feel the familiar dread when I realised, I had to go back and do it all over again tomorrow.

It has undoubtedly held me back, but I refuse to give up. I have the drive to make something of myself, and that’s where the frustration lies. I’m sure if you experience anxiety too you can relate. So even when my anxious mind tells me that I should give up ever trying to write anything, ’cause it’s rubbish and no-one will want to read it – I decided to write this post. Because that’s how change happens, you acknowledge the anxiety but carry on anyway.

It’s never too late to try and make changes to your life as it’s something we’re all innately capable of. Your brain is constantly adapting and learning (it’s called neuroplasticity – the connections in your brain strengthen and weaken over time.)

As I’m trying to change my tricksy brain I’ll set myself some goals. I find it extremely helpful to have some structure in my life. (Without goals I skip from one thing to another as there’s so many things I’m interested in. Think jack of all trades and master of none).

Goals

1. Take the time to write every day. If I want to get good; I need to practice.
2. Leave the house at least 4 times a week. This one could be tough as I’m great at finding reasons why I’m too busy, too tired, etc.
3. Plan my time. I have a weekly planner, so I should make use of it to try and focus my endeavours.

That’s all for now. If you want to set yourself some goals too, I’d suggest that you stick to a few, and start out small as there’s no point in overwhelming yourself with a humongous list.