Never try and fit a round peg in a square hole

As the title says, never try and fit a round peg in a square hole – it just doesn’t work!

I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I’m not very good at knowing what I want to do with my life. I thought that perhaps writing was ‘the thing’ to do as a career, as it was something I could do from home.

But I don’t think it fits. I think I was just trying to force it, as it suited my life of being at home and not challenging my anxiety. I want to be out in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I love writing on my blog as a hobby, but as soon as I introduced the idea of it becoming a job it sucked the joy from it. Suddenly my blog wasn’t ‘good enough’ to be professional.

It’s not just the writing either, it’s the self-promotion you need to do on social media. I’m not a fan of the algorithms that insist you need to be posting constantly. It’s something which, to be frank, I hate.

Last week I had a bit of an epiphany. I love learning and I’m fascinated with Psychology and mental health, so I’ve decided I’ll do just that. I’m going to enrol onto a fast-track A-level so that I can apply to go to university in 2022 and study Counselling Psychology. It feels exciting! I made a decision, (which for someone as indecisive as me is an achievement), and I just want to go for it!

Not gonna lie, there are always going to be niggling (huge) worries about my mental and physical health, but I know I can access support to manage it, so I’m trying not to let that stop me.

I’m going to give my blog a makeover too. I’d like to write a bit more about chronic illness and share some of my poetry alongside my musings about anxiety and mental health. It feels nice to be excited, as I’ve spent such a long time being numb.

Avoidance has come back to bite me

When I start finding life difficult, I withdraw. It’s like I only exist to myself and I get very stuck in my own head.

I’ve been feeling physically unwell, with various things including stomach pain. I called my GP, who went off on a tangent about my anxiety, asking me how I was feeling and going over the top with trying to reassure me that what I was experiencing was “normal”. I just felt completely invalidated. Yes, I know anxiety can affect your health, but I don’t believe in this situation that was the cause. I think I’m self-aware enough to know that!

I wasn’t in the best mood afterwards. I ended up in over analysis mode, going over whether I am indeed ill or if it’s all in my head. So, I fall back onto my old friend, avoidance. I find a lot of comfort in being alone. As an only child, I learned to escape into my books and vivid imagination. It works pretty well as a kid, but not so much as an adult when there’s stuff to get done.

I will listen to my body and rest when I need to, but I want to get back on track with my blog, and the Journalism course I’m doing. Keeping busy helps to distract me from my overthinking. I read something recently about this – people have different ways of thinking and experiencing the world. Some think in pictures, sounds, or emotions and some have a constant inner monologue. No prizes for guessing which I am.

I’ve been consistent with my daily 10-minute meditation, which might not seem like much, but for a terrible procrastinator with her head in the clouds, it’s pretty good! It helps me get a bit of distance from my thoughts, which can only be a good thing. I’m trying to recognise the space between triggers and my anxiety.

In a way my avoidance is a comfort, as I always have a friend in myself. But I need other people too, I can’t let myself forget that, so I thought I’d write this post and put some of my thoughts out there into the world.